Beyond Broken

Last night/this morning I reached a point of brokeness that I havn't felt since college. Exhausted and overwhelmed I simply stopped being able to function. I couldn't work on a project facing an impending deadline but I also couldn't turn my mind off enough to get a bit more sleep which might otherwise allow the work to continue. Six hours of sleep over three days is just not enough no matter how much caffiene you pump into your system. I'm shaking even now and more than a bit jumpy.

And let me remind you that I have been thrown out of a country. Imagine having several million people tell you you're not welcome. It's like being voted off American Idol without the benefit of Paula's condescending praise. I've been confined to a wheelchair even as Amanda was going through 36 hours of labor. I've taught freshman English. I've even had to endure "the scenic route" home from childhood vacations. This was beyond all that.

Between things that need to get done around the house (for example: the doorknob count is a 5 not including recoring the locks on a couple, adding a lockable latch to the workroom door in the garage and not having touched the latch that allows the second half of the front door to open wide), @'s last week of tantrumming that may not be completely over, a new language unit which appears even more time consuming than the first, backedup correspondence I should take care of, a diet consisting of ever greater quanities of hot tea and the realization that I really don't talk to anyone I'm not in school with or buying something from...it was simply too much.

Thankfully Amanda was there to talk me out of my tree. Despite her own backbreaking schedule (she spent yesterday morning trying to find a cane for me after I sprined my ankle walking to school), she woke last night from her much needed sleep to pray with me and talk me down. I can't imagine how single men get through times like this, with the expectations that they be strong and, unlike women, no way to just let it all out beyond bar fights, basketball or booze. I guess I'm just lucky that I have someone who knows me so well that she can help me find some relief when it seems beyond my grasp.

I'll pray for some guidance today, talk to some wise people and make some decisions about how to best get the things done that must be done and still keep my sanity.

It's funny but on a rational, logical level I see what is happening. Culture shock and the stress of everday life is simply creating a crisis point. I'm going through the storming phase of cultural adjustment. The lack of sleep adds to this, making otherwise minor problems - such as the phone line being down yesterday, making it impossible to send out the project I'm trying to finish - into major problems. I'm sad. Maybe I'm still mourning Vonnegut's death. Maybe not.

So last night when Amanda was telling me that I needed to lay down and rest I knew she was right. When she told me I needed to wash my face and calm down, I knew she was right. But I simply coudn't settle down. I knew that without sleep I couldn't function and yet I couldn't. This is what @ has been doing - only without a blog to vent on.

Things will get better. They will get resolved. I will adjust.