Our Oil Solution

I've held back on this hoping that I could somehow profit from the idea but now I feel I owe it to America to offer my solution to America's dependence on foreign oil.

We need to buy more, not less, oil from the Middle East. I mean really buy...a lot...right now. As the great global consumer of things we really don't need American's need to start all but bathing in the stuff.

Run up your credit cards. Fill every bucket, pot and pan in your house with petrol. I mean Mickey Mouse when it rains kind of containers. Think of new and ingenious ways to use crude. Strip the paint off your walls with it. Barbecue with it - not as charcoal starter but as a replacement FOR charcoal. Kill off unwanted dandelions. Make your own fireworks. Be creative. Embrace America's natural giftedness in finding ways to waste fuel and light things on fire.

So drive to your mailbox. Take trips just to watch your odometer spin. Hit the road whenever you want to listen to the radio. Drive back and forth over the central and eastern time lines just to see if you can somehow disrupt the space-time contineum. Try and outrun the sunset - or if you're from Indiana, the approaching stormfront. Drive to California and try to catch a glimpse of TomKitty. Consume, consume, consume!!!

The quicker we use the world's oil, the better. Since this is all non renewable, the world will run out of it eventually. Let's just hurry up the process. When the Shieks and oil barons run out of the stuff, so does their power. What's Dubai without oil? A desert with a bunch of shopping malls and a palm shaped subdivision. Sand and camels. Oh and the foundation of human civilization - but let's face it, that's not really important.

And when there's no oil left? The world will have to start looking at ethanol. It goes without saying that the Middle East will never be able to produce enough corn to contend with our farmers. Europe? To borrow a term from an animated hero of mine, those "cheese eating surrender monkeys" would never dig up their wineries (or "whineries" in the case of their international involvement) to have them replaced with corn. And America knows all about producing too much of the stuff.

After all, this is is the home of 4H. We have towns with names like Farmer City and Heyworth and Ethanolia...good, American, farm towns. We have corn festivals and put things like "Soybean Capital of the World" on signs welcoming people to our cities.

So it would come full circle back to the American farmer. He feeds the world now. One day he will fuel the world. But only if we help waste oil.